17 Bit Software 5: The Fifth Dimension

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From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three college students shared an apartment. Every night one of the guys would go out and get drunk, come home at 2:00 AM, and puke in the kitchen sink. The other two guys were getting plenty upset so they decided to play a joke on him. They went to the butcher shop and asked for 2 pounds of chicken guts. After the guy went out they poured the chicken guts in the sink. That night, the third guy comes in precisely at 2:00 AM and starts puking in the sink. After a few moments everything was quite. About an hour later they heard the guy going to bed. The next morning he told the other two guys what had happened: "I gotta quit drinking. This morning I came in and puked my guts out. It took me an hour to get 'em all back in again." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What has four legs and one arm? A: A very happy pitbull. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a lady was inside of an elevator and she had to fart really bad. She thought to herself, 'What am I going to do if someone comes in and smells it. I'm going to be so embarrassed.' Then she thought, 'If I spray this can of pine air freshener no one will ever know what I did.' So she farted and one floor later a biker stepped in and the lady said, "What does it smell like in here?" The biker replied, "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- On this farm there used to be a cat and a rooster, but the rooster and the cat didn't get along very well. The cat was nosey about where the rooster went everyday, but the rooster wouldn't tell him anything at all and this made the cat mad. So one day the cat decided to follow the rooster to see where it was he went everyday. He followed the rooster to a stream where the rooster would jump across, but the cat was afraid of falling in. This went on about a week and then the one day the rooster saw the cat follow him and stop at the stream, too afraid to cross over. The rooster started jumping back and fourth across the stream teasing the cat because he was afraid to jump over. This made the cat very mad and he decided if the rooster could do it then so could he. The cat got a running start and jumped, but landed in the middle of the stream where he drowned. The moral of this story is that for every happy cock there is a wet pussy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There men died and went to hell. Satan met them at the gates and said, "All three of you weren't bad enough to go straight to Hell, so you get another chance. If you can tell me something I can't do you can go to Heaven." The first man said, "Make a car made of solid gold that runs on gasoline." Satan did and the man went into Hell. The second man said, "Make a house of solid silver." Satan did and the guy went into Hell. The last man was a biker and he was laughing. Satan said, "How can you laugh when you are at the gates of hell?" The biker stopped laughing, farted, and said, "Catch it." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between a fox and a dog? A: Five drinks. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's polish and has an IQ of 180? A: A village. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Joe came hobbling in the club house with a 7 iron wrapped around his neck. Of course everyone was curious as to what happened to poor ol' Joe. Sam asked, "What happened to you?" In a raspy whisper, Joe told this tale of woe: I was teeing off on the 5th hole and I shagged my ball out into this field of cows. I went over the fence and was looking for my ball when this lady on the 12th tee shagged her ball into this same field. So we're both looking for our balls when I happened to see this one cow acting a little different than the rest. I went over and raised its tail and damned if there wasn't a golf ball stuck in its asshole. So I hollered at the lady, "Hey lady, does this look like yours?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A COWBOY'S VIEW OF REINCARNATION (By Wally McRee) "What's reincarnation?" a cowboy asked his friend. His old pal told him: It starts when your life comes to it's end: They comb your hair and wash your neck and clean your fingernails and put you in a padded box, away from life's travails. Then the box and you goes in a hole that's been dug into the ground. Reincarnation starts when you're planted beneath that mound. Them clods melt down, just like that box and you inside - and that's when you're beginning your transformation ride. And in awhile the grass will grow upon your rendered mound until some- day upon that spot a lonely flower is found. And then a "hoss" done eat it along with his other feed - makes bone and fat essential to the steed - but there's a part that the horse can't use and so it passes through and there it lies upon the ground. This thing that once was you, and if by chance I should pass by and see this on the ground, I'll stop awhile and I'll ponder at this object that I've found. And I'll think about reincarnation and life and death and such, and I'll come away concludin' "Why, you ain't changed all that much!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___ _ / \ _ ___ / \__/ \__/----\__/ \_/ \ | |0 0 | \ _| __ / \_______/ | | \_______/ / _/\ __/ _/| | ||| /) (o _/___| |____ |___| \ / / \ / \__/ | |\_____/ |WHATSAMATTA| | U | ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend said. "I'm gonna miss her." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Have You heard about the new cereal that's advertised a lot on TV, called "Nut 'N' Honey"? Well, the same company is now marketing a similar new cereal, aimed for the inner-city residents. It's called "Nut 'N' Bitch!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the worst thing about screwing a cow? A: You have to get off the stump and run around front every time you want to kiss her. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- English Teacher Joke: Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What should you do if you wife has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub? A: Throw in the laundry. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were these three old guys sitting around at a rest home, discussing their health. The first guy, 70 years old, said, "I just wish I was still able to take a good piss." The second guy, 80 years old, said, "Yeah, me too, but more than anything, I wish I could still take a good shit." The third old codger, at 90 years of age, said, "I take a good piss every morn- ing about 7:30. Then, about 9:20, I take a good shit. I just wish I could wake up earlier than eleven ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and his wife were traveling through Kansas on a hot day; when they stopped for gas the wife stayed in the car with the windows up and the air conditioning going, while the husband stepped out to talk to the man servic- ing the car. The gas jockey asked the husband where they were from and the husband said, "Texas." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?" "He asked where we were from." The gas jockey asked, "Where in Texas?" "Ft. Worth." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?" "He asked where in Texas." The gas jockey said, "Ft. Worth, Texas ... I been there. That's where I had the worst piece of ass I ever got in my life!" The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?" "He said that he thinks he knows you!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the difference between meat and fish? A: If you beat your fish, your fish will die. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do we know girls aren't made of sugar and spice? A: Because they taste like anchovies. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A doctor was taking a group of interns on rounds at a hospital. All of a sudden, another intern came racing down the corridor, shouting "Quick, doc- tor, give me a pen!" The doctor reached into his pocket and handed the intern something. The intern looked at the object and said, "Doctor, this isn't a pen. It's a rectal thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and exclaimed, "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a kid came home and yelled, "Ma, Ma, I had sex for the first time today!" The mother was outraged and sent the kid upstairs to his room. When the father got home, the mother explained the situation, whereupon the father marched staright up the stairs to his son's room. "I Hear you had sex, son." said the father in a stern voice. "Yeah ..." "Way to go! Now you're a man! I'm proud of you son." The next day at work the father told the guys at work about his 'improved' son. That night he came home from work and again went to his son's room. "So, son, did you have sex again today?" "No Dad; my asshole is still sore from yesterday ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was an career aggie who was well into his 12th year at A&M. His father, an arch-supporting alumni, was growing tired of his son not having graduated yet. He himself took only 10 years. So he pressured the dean to simply graduate his son and be done with it. Not wanting to give preferen- tial treatment to the rich alumni, but still wanting his substantial finan- cial support, the dean decided to test the boy and, if he passed the exam, then he would grant him his graduate degree. So the dean called the son into his office and explained the matter, telling him he only had three questions and that it was an overnight, open book, test (Not wanting to leave anything up to chance). Then he listed the questions: 1. How many Days of the Week begin with a "T"? 2. How many Seconds are there in a Year? 3. How many "D's" are there in DIXIE? The youth hurried home and began to work. The next day he returned to the dean's office, obviously worn to a frazzle, having stayed up all night working. The dean asked him, "Okay son, for the first question, how many days of the week begin with a "T", what is your answer?" The son said, "Well, 'course that was the first and easiest one ... There are two days," (The dean smiled) "Today and Tomorrow!" The dean began to sweat and wiped his face. "Well I suppose there is a certain amount of truth to that answer, so I'll accept it. Now, for the second question: How many seconds are there in a year? The son replied, "You know that had me workin' a long time, till I looked at my calendar fer help. Then it come to me: there are 12 seconds in a year. The 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb ..." The Dean almost lost it, but then regained composure. "Son," he said, "I believe we misphrased the question, so I'm going to give you credit for it. Now, for the third and final question, how many D's are there in "Dixie"? The lad just smiled, and said, "That's the one what kept me up all night until I got it right! There are 232 D's!" he said proudly. "What do you mean, 232?" sputtered the dean. "How did you come up with that?" "Well, you gotta just count like this: Dee Dee Dee, De De De De Dee Dee Deeee ..." ^ | (to the tune of Dixie) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One bright and early afternoon a ventriloquist was walking through a field when he encountered an indian grazing his cow, horse and sheep. The man smiled at the indian and asked, "How are you doing today Mr. Indian?" The Indian smiled and said, "Me fine." The man then turned to the cow and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Cow?" The Indian got a puzzled look on his face and said, "Cow no talk." The man threw his voice at the cow saying, "Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes this indian's hands are cold when he tries to milk me." The indian's eyes grew wide. Then the man turned to the horse and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Horse?" The indian once again looked at the man and said, "Horse no talk." The man threw his voice again, saying, "Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes when this Indian is riding me he hits me awful hard." The indian's eyes grew even wider. Finally, the man looked to the sheep and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Sheep?" The indian quickly shouted, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were three couples who wanted to be members of a church: an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple. The preacher said, "To become members you have to abstain from sex for one whole month." All three couples agreed and arranged to return in one month. After the month had passed, the preacher asked each couple how well they had done. The elderly couple reported they had succeded with little difficulty. The middle-aged couple said it was challenging, but that they had also succeded. Then the preacher asked the newlyweds how they had done. The husband said, "Well, the first two weeks were o.k., the third week was really challenging, but during the fourth week my wife bent over to get a can of vegtables and I just lost all control." The preacher said, "Well, then, I'm sorry to say that you can't become members of our church." To which the husband replied, "That's o.k., they won't let us back in the grocery store either." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits? A: A shotgun. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, a man was walking along the beach when he saw a beautiful girl who, sadly, had no legs. She was in her wheelchair bawling her eyes out. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I've never been hugged before," she replied. So he hugged her. The next day on his walk, he saw her again. Once more, she was crying. "What's wrong now?" he asked. "I've never been kissed before." she sobbed. So he proceeded to lay a lip-lock on her. The third day he was walking by and AGAIN saw the poor girl crying. By now annoyed, he snapped, "Now what?" "I've never been fucked before ..." she said hopefully. Where- upon he proceeded to pick her up out of her wheelchair and throw her in the water. "Now you're fucked!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why don't lawyers lay out at the beach? A: Because cats keep covering them with sand. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- If Iraq attacked Turkey from the rear, would Greece help? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day an old man and his wife were sitting in the waiting room of the old man's urologist. The nurse stepped in, holding three specimen jars in her hand. She said "Mr. Johnson, we're going to need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample." Fiddling with the volume control on his hearing aid, Mr. Johnson asked his wife, "WHAT DID SHE SAY, MARTHA?" "They want your shorts, dear." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One night a lady was choking on a piece of meat in a restaurant. Everybody tried to help by slapping her on the back, but to no avail. All of a sudden an Aggie RAN across the room, whipped up her dress, ripped down her drawers and started licking her ass. She was so astounded, she disgorged the meat and said, "My God, what was that?!" The Aggie drawled, "Wuh luhned thut in school, thut's thuh Hindlick Mahnuhvuh!". ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heat of the Meat Angle of Dangle = ------------------- Stench of the Wench ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What are the three worst words that you can hear while making love? A: Honey, I'm home! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One afternoon a man was walking along a farm road with his daughter, when they came upon two sheep. The two sheep were in the process of mating and the father, noticing his daughters interest, quickly explained that the sheep on top had hurt his two front hooves and the other sheep was helping him get back to the barn. His daughter turned around, and smiled at her dad, and said, "Isn't it funny that when you help someone, they almost always screw you in the end?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman wanted to have a baby, so she asked a guy to have sex with her. Just as they were about to commence, she asked, "What are we going to call our baby?" The guy left, saying, "I don't want no kid!" So she invited another man over. The same thing happened The third time, she decided not to tell the man she wanted to get pregnant until after the act was over. After he came, she asked, "What are we going to call our baby?" The man stood up, pulled off the condom, tied it in a knot, threw it up against the wall and said, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him `Superman.'" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What do you call a kosher tampon? A: A tightwad. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- TWENTY TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not. CROSSEYES: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink. CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants. TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it. EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both. FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. DISGRUNTLED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away. CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day Adam was in the Garden of Eden when God came over to him and said, "I made something for you. What I made for you will do anything you say, fix your meals and give you indescribable pleasure. It will take care of you always and it will never give you any trouble." Adam thought a moment and said, "What does it cost me?" God said, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam said "Sorry, but that's too steep for me. What can I get for a rib?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time there was a mathematician who found an equation for GOD. It was, of course, a very complicated equation but, she figured, all she had to do was find a computer system which (1) had a large enough memory to store all the necessary variables, and (2) was fast enough to gather all the infor- mation together. Once this was accomplished, all the mysteries of the Uni- verse could be solved. So the government took every available micro- processor, linker, loader, assembler and anything else they had available, put them all together and asked the computer: "Is there a God?" Unfortu- nately, however, the computer's response was that it would take, at the very least, a century or two to solve the problem. This wasn't good enough for the bureaucrats in Washington who, for the first time in their lives wanted something other than the status quo. So they decided to follow that up by taking every single computer in the entire nation and, linking them all together into one giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super-computer, asked once again, "Is there a God?" Well, this time the computer said that it would take only ten years to solve the equation Not as bad, but still not quick enough to satisfy all the eager philosophers and scientists. "Some- thing more must be done!" they shouted. By this time the whole world was beginning to pay attention to the project and everone wanted to get involved. After much debate, the United Nations decided to build the com- puter and discover if there really was a God. So they took every computer system in the world and linked them all together into one single amazing super-duper-computer - the likes of which had never, EVER, been seen before! Once again the scientists asked, "Is there a God?" The response? "THERE IS NOW!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will take out a three year lease with an option to buy. If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault it with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call in an air strike. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Great way to answer the telephone: "Hello, Incontinence Clinic. Please hold ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a priest and a nun on missionary journey in the Sahara Desert. They were riding a camel in a caravan across the desert when all of sudden a sandstorm blew in. They were separated from their traveling companions and got lost in the desert. After a few days the camel collapsed from exhaustion. Father John looked at the Sister Agnes and said, "Looks like this is it for us." Sister Agnes agreed. "I always wanted to have sex before I died." said Father John. "Me too." said Sister Agnes. So they both undressed. When had both disrobed, Sister Agnes looked down at the Father John's sceptre and said, "What is that?" Father John told the good Sister that it was the Shaft of Life. Said Sister Agnes: "Then, why don't you stick it in that camel so we can get the hell out of here?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why should you wrap your pet hamster in electrical tape? A: So it won't explode when you fuck it. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A boy came home from school one day and went up to Dad. "Pop, I've gotta write a paper on the difference between theory and fact. Can you help me?" "Why sure son. Go and ask your mom if she would sleep with old Mr. Johnson next door for half-a-million dollars." The son was puzzled at this, but went and asked mom anyway. He walked back in the room a short time later and said "Yeah, mom would do that." "Go and ask your sister the same question." said the father. Junior ran up the stairs, asked Sis, and came thundering down the stairs. "She said she would also." "Okay son, here's the difference: In theory, we're millionaires. But, in fact, we're living with a couple of sluts." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confucius say: Teenage girl with bicycle pedal ass all over town. Squirrel lay on rock, crack nuts. Man lay on crack, rock nuts. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Man who get stiff in joints should stay out of them. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The school bus approached the curb and slowed but, upon noticing a gibbering kid stumbling around, gooking all over the place, the driver stepped on the pedal and left the kid in a cloud of dust. Next day, the bus approached the same curb, but upon noticing the gibbering, drooling kid with his arms flopping around, the bus smoked by the kid again. The third day, the bus again approached the curb. Once again, the kid on the curb was frantically stumbling around, drooling and gibbering. The bus burned rubber, hopped the curb, and ran right over the stumbling kid. Later, the police arrived. The officer asked the bus driver, "I understand that you failed to pickup the poor kid all week long and, as if that weren't enough, you ran him over!. What do you have to say for yourself?" To which the driver replied, "He wuth makking fthun uff me!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS? A: A pounding sensation in your butt. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog? A: Douse it with lighter fluid and toss on a match. ("Wooof!") Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat? A: First you douse the dog with water, then stick him in the freezer. After a couple of hours take him out and run him through a bandsaw. ("Reeooww!") ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo. "What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist. "Well," the man replied, "I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my wang." "I've never had that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?" "Well, I really like to watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money. And, I'll tell you what, my wife can blow a hundred dollar bill better than anyone I've ever met!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dirty Ernie got a duck for his birthday. He took it for walks every day and enjoyed having a pet. One day, Sleezy Suzy saw him walking the duck, and said, "Hey, I like your duck. Will you give it to me if we go into the bushes and fool around?" Dirty Ernie agreed, and off they went. When they finished, Dirty Ernie said, "Hey, if you'll give me my duck back, we can do that again." So they fooled around in the bushes some more. Unfortu- nately, about this time a big truck came barreling down the street. The truck driver saw the duck in the road, and slammed on his brakes - but no luck - he ran right over it. The driver told Dirty Ernie, "Hey kid, I'm sorry about your duck. Here's a dollar to pay for it." Later, when Dirty Ernie finally got home, his dad asked him how his day was. Dirty Ernie said, "Not bad, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a buck for a fucked-up duck." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- TITLE: Restroom Policy (RTP) Effective Date: Immediately. Revised: July 31, 1990. Approval: Board of County Commissioners. References: None. Author: Anonymous. Purpose: In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the bathroom under informal guidelines. Effective September 1, 1990, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees. Policy: It is the policy of the county government to provide fair and equal restroom time for all employees. Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Credits. Restroom Trip Credits may be accumulated from month to month. Exceptions: Pregnant employees (male or female) will be given forty (40) Restroom Trip Credits per month. Definitions: None. Procedure: Currently the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition devices. During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two (2) copies of voice prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel Services. The Voice Print Recognition Stations will be operational, but not restrictive for the month of September; employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period. If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will remain locked for that employee's voice until the first of next month when the employee receives his/her next 20/40 credits. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper-roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. Liability: It is the responsibility of all management personnel to ensure understanding and compliance with this policy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- There once was a business executive who decided he needed a little rest from the daily routine, so he decided to take his pretty, young secretary to a hotel for some whoopee. He rented a very nice, quiet room and they spent the day drinking, going to bed, having lunch, drinking some more, back to bed again, etc. Finally 5 o'clock came and they had to go their separate ways. On the way home, he was thinking about what excuse he could tell his wife if she was in the mood for having a 'party' tonight. He drove up the driveway of his home and sure enough, there was his wife at the door, all arrayed in a pretty gown and negligee, with pipe, slippers and cool drinks. She led him into the house, with all the sweetness she possessed, to his favorite armchair. He thought, "God I hope that this doesn't build up to something." They sat back and relaxed, sipping their drinks and talking. Suddenly, she said that she had forgotten something in the bedroom, got up and said she would be right back. He thought, "Oh Lord, here it comes." As soon as she had left the room he jumped up, unzipped his trousers, pulled out 'Jasper' and started to bend it and whip it around trying to get some life into it, but nothing happened - it did not help a bit. He heard her returning so he stuffed 'Jasper' back into his trousers, zipped them up, sat down and sighed. They continued their conversation, then she asked him if he would care for another drink, and he replied that he would, so off she went to the kitchen to fix it. He jumped up immediately, opening his pants again, out with 'Jasper', up and down, around and around, back and forth - all this with much more vigor than before - but to no avail. He decided he would just have to tell her that he was too tired for the fun and games tonight. She returned with their drinks, sat down and said, "Dear, I've a most wonderful surprise for you, and I know that you will be perfectly delighted." He thought, "Sure I will." Then aloud, "Well, what is it?" She answered sweetly, and with a sly smile, "Guess what, we're on Totally Hidden Video!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ex-WWII Pilot: ... There were three Fokkers straight ahead, two more Fokkers on my tail, when - all of a sudden! - I saw a Fokker coming in from each side ... Buddy #1: What's a Fokker? Buddy #2: That's a German fighter plane. Ex-Pilot: That's right, and these particular Fokkers were Messerschmidts! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: What did Adam say to Eve? A: Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Once upon a time, a newlywed couple were on their honeymoon in the Bahamas. One day, while sun-bathing, the husband got a bad case of sunburn on his dick. In terrible pain, he went back to their room to seek some relief. He opened up the frig and found a bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked his irritated cock within. As he was standing there, his wife walked in, looked at him, and said, "So that's how it's done! I've always wondered how you guys filled that thing up." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT BELL LABS (Boston) - The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at Bell Labs. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant-vice- neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together, in a nucleus, by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to Bell Lab scientists, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years - at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant-vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other laboratories indicate that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as govern- ment agencies, large corporations, universities, and can be found in the newest best maintained buildings. Scientist point out that Administratium is know to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administra- tium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? A: Full. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- An old man went into a bar in Wyoming. After having a few drinks he started staring at a heavyset, long-haired, bearded biker. After a few minutes the biker got pissed off, went over to the old man, and asked him why he kept staring at him. The old man replied, "I just finished doing twenty-five years in prison for screwing a buffalo. I just thought you might be my son." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the new Polish parachute? It opens on impact ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Last year on '20/20' Barbara Walters did a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she inquired as to how the number feathers in the indians' headdress was determined. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was "Me have only one squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, thinking the first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, "Ugh! Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws involved, she decided to interview the chief. The Chief had a full headdress of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do yuw haff tho many feathuh in yuw headwess?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me fuckem all - big, small, fat, tall - me fuckem all." Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "Yuw thould be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right, me hung - big like buffalo, long like snake ..." Ms. Walters spluttered, "Yuw dwon't haff to be tho damned hothtile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss- style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me fuckem all!" Tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Ow, dweer!" The Chief said, "No deer - me no fuckem deer - asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuckem deer!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ An office manager learned that, due to increased operating costs and slumping sales, he would have to let one of his employees go. After much thought he narrowed his choices down to two employees: Liz and Jack. Both were equal in seniority and both were good workers, so the manager decided that he would watch the two at work the next day and the first one to leave their desk was the one who would be let go. When they arrived in the morning, both Liz and Jack got right to work, and the manager began to wonder if his plan would work. About mid-morning, however, Liz got up from her desk and asked Jack for some aspirin. The manager had his victim. He caught up with Liz at the water fountain: "I'm afraid I have a dilemma here," he said. "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." "Well then, jack off," Liz snapped. "I've got a headache!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time, a Marine Gunny took it upon himself to toilet train his son. Being a Marine, the kid was taught "by the numbers." So the Gunny took his son into the head and he said, "Kid, this is the way you do it by the numbers: ONE! You unzip your fly. TWO! You pull out your crank. THREE! You piss! FOUR! You put it back in. FIVE! You zip up your pants. Got it?" The little kid, being the son of a Marine, immediately responded with a thunder- ing, "Aye, aye!" A day or so went by, and the Gunny spied his son going into the head, so he snuck up to the door and listened: "One! Two! Three! Four! Two! Four! Two! Four! ..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Once upon a time, a bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The bear looked down at the rabbit and asked, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No, I've never had that problem." So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What was John Lennons last hit? A: "The Pavement." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What would it take to re-unite the original Beatles? A: Three bullets. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you kill the New Kids on the Block? A: Give one of them Aids. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ VARIOUS OBSCURE SCIENTIFIC TERMS Avogadro = The main ingredient in guacamole. Circular Reasoning = See Reasoning, Circular. Half-life = Saturday night in Vacaville. Hyperbola = An ellipse described by Howard Cosell. Millihelen = The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. Ohm = Where the heart is. Loschmidt's Number = (415) 767-1678 Rosche's Limit = About three beers. Reasoning, Circular = See Circular Reasoning. Unit of Power = Watt. "I said, unit of power!" Watt. "I **SAID** ..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you call an Iraqi with 1500 girlfriends? A: A shepherd. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What's the difference between kinky and perverted? A: In kinky, you use a feather. In perverted, you use the whole chicken. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: Why did the bee fly past Shell, Texaco, Exxon, Mobil and Sonoco? A: Because he was an Esso Bee. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Pain (n): Popping a boner and running out of skin. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two men were hunting in the hills of Kentucky. Bo turned to Jim-Bob, after taking a sip from his sixth beer of the hour, and said that he needed to step into the bushes for a minute. So Bo walked out of sight and pulled out his dick. Suddenly, a rattle snake slithered into sight! It coiled in defense, as Bo froze - with dick still in hand. The snake, far from intimidated by this small cylindrical object, struck and injected his poison into Bo's staff. Bo cried and screamed until his Jim-Bob came to his rescue. After rearranging the snake with a load of double-00, Jim-Bob calmed Bo down and told him that he was going for help. So Jim-Bob wandered down the holler to a small town. Finding a hand-cranked phone, he called the nearest doctor and was told to cut two small incisions near the bite, and suck the poison from the wound. Jim-Bob ran back up the holler to Bo - who was by then quite distraught and nearly unconscious. Said Jim-Bob to Bo: "The doc said ya'll gonna die." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be Boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he wanted to go, he should be Boss. The Stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all of the food, he should be Boss. The Eyes said that without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss. Then the Asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the Asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days the Brain went foggy, the Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, and the Eyes got crossed and were unable to see. So they all conceded and made the Asshole Boss. This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss - just an Asshole. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immedi- ately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up before it even drops. The other night, I got up at three a.m. to get a glass of juice. When I came back, the bed already had been made. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human cannonball act would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging performer was losing his nerve in the act. He went to the boss and quavered, "I don't think I am up to being shot out of a cannon twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his boss replied, "Where will I find another man of your caliber?" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was applying for. The psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The man thought for a moment and replied, "Sex." The psychologist drew a tri- angle and asked the same question. Again the applicant answered, "Sex." "And what about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a square. "Sex," was the man's answer. "Well," the psychologist said to him, "you certainly seem to be obsessed with sex." "What do you mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man exclaimed, "You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer," quoted the pro- fessor. "Maybe that's why we all flunked your last test," came an anonymous retort from the rear of the lecture hall. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Business was bad, and the clothing store owner was out on the street trying to drum up business. "You sir," he said to a prosperous looking man, "Surely you could use a new suit." "Don't be silly," the man replied, "I have thirty- two suits at home." "In that case," said the store owner, "bring them in and I'll make you my partner." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- John was going to a Catholic boarding school. On the first weekend break he went into town to check out the 'big city'. While he was in town he was repeatedly propositioned by women on the street, saying, "Ten bucks for a blow job." Upon returning to the catholic boarding school, he asked one of the nuns, "Sister, what is a qwickie?" The sister promptly replied, "Ten bucks - same as in town ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Texas oilman had just finished lunch at an expensive restaraunt. He left a modest tip, and was preparing to leave, when the waiter said, "You know, sir, your daughter always leaves a larger tip than that." "That all right for her," the financier growled, "She's got a rich father." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: Why does the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early? A: They want to beat the crowd. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q: How do you tell if a jewish woman is a nymphomaniac? A: She'll screw you the same day she has her hair done. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two rich texans, J.D. the rancher, and Bo the oilman, were inseparable friends. One evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long after that, J.D. died. Bo was despondent, but he decided to start attending seances in the hopes of talking to his lifelong friend. For months, he had no luck. Then, it happened! He was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Bo, Bo, are yew there Bo?" "J.D.," he replied excitedly, "J.D., is that yew?" "Yes, Bo," the far-off voice said, "It's me." "J.D., where are yew?" Bo asked, "What are yew doing?" "Wayull," the disembodied drawled, "I get up, have something to eat, screw all morning long. Then it's lunch time, so I have another bite, then I screw most of the afternoon, take a nap, and it's time to eat again. I screw long into the night, and then I fall into a peaceful sleep." "J.D.!" Bo cried, "Ya'll must be in heaven!" "Heaven?" the voice sighed, "I'm a bull in Oklahoma ..." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- From the JOKIN' AROUND AGAIN DISK by LEEJAN ENTERPRISES P.O. Box 66. Happy Valley. South Australia. 5159.